5 years ago, I wrote this:
"I’ve just started the long journey to discovery. My
counselor tells me not to decide one way or another whether I have an alcohol
problem but how can I not? Every week I have to attend a group counseling
session with a bunch of “recovering alcoholics”. The state of California
requires that anyone with two DUIs undergo the process which I have recently
begun. It’s not a question of whether I will complete the lengthy 18 month
program, it’s only a matter of time. Time and patience. It’s hard to believe
that anyone wants you to succeed in getting your license back when you go through the motions of the second
offender program. I spend nearly $500 dollars a month, and 2 hours a day at
group counseling on Friday, a half hour on Tuesdays, a four hour education class
Wednesday evening, and the occasional AA meeting when possible. This may seem
like a lot to do in order to get a license back, however, these requirements
don’t even begin to reflect the
emotional strain that I experience when I’m at group or in counseling. Maybe
that’s the point, to make us feel uncomfortable as possible, to regret what
we've done but I’m beyond that, I’m spiteful and remorseful.
A one on
one counseling session is basically what i'd imagine a confession in a catholic
church feels like except there is no forgiveness, only judgement. I've had
three different couselors, they seem to change as fast as the clients. Of
course, that's completely understndable. What a thankles job. For one thing,
they are not graduates of any university, most oof them are only required to
complete a certificate program at a community college to “couns” us. There are
requirements which they are expected to keep up with, for example, a relative
course and two conventions per year in order to keep their license. Obviously,
some go above and beyond what is required.
I know one
“mentor” is currently finishing his PHD
but to be honest, he's an over achiever because he has to be. He's a felon for
Gods' sake. This amuzes me more than you could imagine. Other than the fact that
he's educated, the only reason he seems to be there is to reminisce about the
times he spent getting high and dodging the police. Seriously. 13 of us will
be sitting in a room while he goes on about the way he lived, the way he
disapointed everyone in his life by being a drug addict and we're supposed to
feel empathy to this man? The majority of us have a drinking problem not a
methanphetamine problem. But there is a sickening sparkle in his eye
when he's talking about his past, much like a burned out blue collar worker discussing his old high
school football days as the star quarterback. You know the look? It's pathetic that we are taking advise from this guys whose only reason for quitting
in the first place was the fear of being
caught again.
Perhaps
that's why many people quit to begin with. They're not changed, they're just scared. But I can relate...
I’ve recently adopted a new phrase,
“ No more blackouts, bar fights or making bail”. That way, I won't have to face these losers again, I won't have to consider that my third DUI requires a year of prison time or that I'll lose my lisence for an additional 2 years, although I'd be in prison for one year anyways, so technically, it would only feel like one year. I won't have to see the disappointment on my friends or families face when they have to pick me up from the hospital or jail or scrape me off the sidewalk after being beat up by a group of mexicans because I said something off color since I felt invincible while drunk.
So, from here out, it's a zero tolerance for me, not a single drop of alcohol in the system while I drive."
So, 5 years later, the question hangs in the balance, have I lived up to my phrase, have I recoverd from drinking and making bad decisions? Absolutely. I do have an occasional beer and drive home an hour later, and on one occasion, I did drive home slightly drunk-a friend of mine was supposed to be sober driver but ended up getting more drunk thatn me. He refused to get a motel, stay with another friend or wait it out. So i did what I thought was best and put myself behind the wheel because if I didn't, he was going to probably kill us as he was determined to get home. I know, we could have taken a cab right, except in this rural town, it could be a 2 hour wait and more than 100 to get home. So, I fucked up. But we arrived safely at home and I thanked God for that and that was 3 years ago. If ever put in a situation like that again, I think I would just take his keys and throw them into the creekbed we parked near. But as much as i hate to admit it, the second offender program may have helped me after all...
